Free Throws

A while back one of our readers suggested a fun activity for the next book tour: set up plain frosted cakes, and let contestants hurl various bits of candy, flotsam, and ribbon at said cakes. Whichever looks "best" wins.

Unfortunately, I think some wreckerators out there took this as career advice.

And believe me: there are no winners here.

Wow. I didn't know you could get that kind of distance out of mini marshmallows.


You know what they always say about edible splatter paint!:

Nothing, actually. They're all too busy trying to avoid the pieces with the poo-colored jelly beans.


Here's one that made use of the drop method:

Most of it even landed on the cake!

Of course, when you're lobbing across such great distances, some breakage is to be expected:

Boops.

You can see that a lot of throwing went into this one:

(Psst. Throwing up counts, right?)

Hang on a sec, something's wrong.

This one's making me hungry:

Mmmm.

Curse you, Wreckerators, and your nefarious mind-washing piles of whipped cream and berry goodness!

I mean, what next? Will a professional chef on a national reality show get in on the act??

[holding head] We're too late! AAHHHH!!

(The 'kill it' caption was added by Serious Eats, btw, which has a hilarious episode recap here. I wonder where they might have gotten their inspiration, hmmm? :D)


Thanks to Jill N., Ashlee M., Cassie G., Julie V., Kimberly B., & Elizabeth L., who all get to be first in line come book-tour-throwing time.

Window Pains

So, you're opening a bakery. You've watched too much Cake Boss, opened a few dozen credit card accounts, and "sampled" enough cupcakes to confidently differentiate between "ganache" and "monkey poo."

What next?

The window display, of course!

This is your place to shine, aspiring baker! Show the people what you can really do!

Ah.

I see you're of the "writing on Styrofoam rounds with a Sharpie" skill set.

We can work with that.


After all, the most important thing is getting customers through the door - even if it is only to ask, "Dear God, what IS that THING?!"

It's a pacifier. You know, a cake for suckers?

Now, a good window display should appeal to both kids and kids at heart. Remember, cakes are all about fun! And color! And post-apocalyptic death tableaus!

Just think of all the gas-mask party favors you could make. Ooh, and festive radioactive warning streamers! Glowing fruit punch? Mushroom cloud side-cakes? Really, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, edible barren wastelands aren't for everyone. That's why you should also advertise your more [winkwink] adult flavors. [nudgenudge]

Photo removed at the request of the baker.

Please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot.

And you can tell by the way that plastic half-lady is smelling her armpit that her plastic whole lady counterparts are gonna be hella sexy.

Or, if you're limited on space, you could always kill two birds with one horrendously disturbing Barbie cake:

Hey, how do you think Barbie paid for all those different careers, kids?

Well, bakers, however you choose to design your displays, just be sure they communicate friendliness, poise, and professionalism.

And also a strong grasp on the spelling of "ho bag":

Because, really, nothing is worse than a misspelled "ho bag" on your cookie cake.

Thanks to Amber P., Bianca S., Lauren C., Lauren R., Betsy R., & Dana F., who wonder if perhaps this showed up on C.M.'s performance review.

Tickled Pink

Here in the good 'ol US of A, pretty much everything gets its own holiday. Got a toothache? February 9th is your day! Like air? So do I! Let's celebrate together on November 11th, National Air Day! And if anybody needs me on September 16th, I'll be enjoying National Stay Away From Seattle Day by, uh, continuing to live in Florida.

So anyway, today is National Pink Day, and by gosh, we're going to celebrate it - both the color *and* the singer. Why, you ask? Same reason we climb mountains: too much free time and we're crazy. DUH.

Hit it!

I think I just lost my talent
I don't know where it went.
Good thing I have this necklace
And lots of pink fondant:

Na-na-na-na na-na na
That's not even real fondant. (Ha!)


I got a brand new airbrush
I hope I'm using it right:

These sprinkles are giving me trouble,
Let's tuck 'em out of sight:

Na-na-na-na na-na na
That cake is out of sight!

Meh, so what?
I'm still a Wreck Star
I got my wreck moves
And I don't need yooouu.. except to buy my cakes.
And maybe not complain to my manager.

So...um...yeah.

[scuffing toe and avoiding eye contact]

Next verse!

The shower cake's on the table
I'm sure it'll be a hit:

This one may look like a sphincter,
But what else rhymes with "hit?"

Na-na-na-na na-na na
Something that rhymes with "hit!"


Meh, so what?
That'll buff out:

And four legs are so "out":


And Nicki is gooonnnaaa die!

Na-na-na-na na-na na

But pink makes it all alright!

Happy Pink Day, y'all.

Thanks to Rachel T., Amy U., Heather L., Sara H., Holly E., Brenda M., Sherry L., & Natalie W. for getting that song stuck in our heads. I'll just be over here humming It's a Small World for a while.

Ties That Bind

Ah, neck ties. Those glorious, generic "Dad" gifts that men have enjoyed - nay, cherished! - since the invention of clothing. After all, what can make you feel more alive than a silk noose around your neck signifying lifelong membership in the greater corporate collective? Hmmm?

And, naturally, when it comes to getting dad a cake on his special day, bakers sure know how to please:

They, uh, also appear to have a rather low opinion of dads' fashion sense.

Or maybe they've read that a lot of men are at least partially colorblind, and decided Dad wouldn't notice:

I'm calling it: yellow and beige is the most disgusting color combination known to man.

Or maybe they think we were all raised in the circus.

"To Dad, Our Favorite Bozo."

Hey, remember that time Dad said his new tie from Aunt Edna looked like crap?

Well, they've got a cake for that, too!

The sprinkles really sell it.

Of course, then there are the bakers who've never actually seen a tie...

...but wouldn't think of letting that stop them.

But my friends, it doesn't have to be this way.

Just say "no" to tie cakes! Say "no" to boring clichés! Instead, go with creativity! Go with quality! Go with...

...a flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake!

Yeah.

You're welcome, fathers everywhere.

Many tanks to Anne J., Luli M., Vanessa B., Denise M., Zoe I., & Becky T. for getting all tied up on our behalf. [mrowr]

Oh, and a belated "epi briday" to Dorothy "big deal" M. Nappy blob blob, Dor!

Happy Towel Day!

Hey, hoopy froods, it's Towel Day! This is the day when we celebrate hitchhiking the galaxy, Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, and, of course, potted petunias.

I wonder if they'll be friends with me?

So, grab your towel...

Hey, even the terrible ones have fringe benefits.

...and sit back and relax while I serve up something that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a teapot.

DON'T PANIC.

This hypnotized bunny rabbit is mostly harmless.

He may also be a teapot:

But that's pretty improbable.


Besides, it could always be worse.


Like so:

My, mister teapot, what an unfortunately colored spout you have.


Hey, here's a tip:




So, in conclusion:

42.


Oh, and:

"Want to see my spaceship?"

Thanks to Cassandra, Tracy B., Amanda Q., Leigh J., Kendra H., and Margaret C., my plastic pals who're fun to be with!

---------------------------------------------------

A Cinderella Story

With all the royal wedding coverage out there, a lot of us girls have been spending this week imagining our own Princess Diaries moment.

Now, I don't know about you guys, but mine goes a little something... like this...

[harpsichord dream sequence music plays]

First, there's a whirlwind romance with the dashing stranger who looks like a cross between Nathan Fillion and Kiefer Sutherland during his Three Musketeers days.

(Awww yeeeeah.)

Next, we sink straight into the Fire Swamp.

No, no, just kidding.

Next we play BioShock together until 2AM.

Later, after dressing up as Venkman and Staypuft for Halloween (I'm Venkman, of course), and confessing our undying love for one another, there's a painfully romantic proposal:

Performed in an inflatable kiddie pool.

"Jen," my dashing prince would say, "Will you be my own Princess Peach?"

To which I would respond, "Are you kidding? Do Vulcans need the Pon Farr?
"(But we are going to Disney for the honeymoon, right?)"

And, BAM! I'm a princess! Next thing you know, I'm living in a castle...

"And over here is your TARDIS closet. As you can see, it is much, MUCH bigger on the inside."

...and wearing pretty princess crowns...

(Modeled after crabby Space Invaders, apparently.)

...and pretty princess dresses...

("Talk about your trunk space, check this action out!")

...and riding my Princess Vespa around...

(Ok, technically this would be a Princess Harley.)

...and...and...wait. You know what? Other than the castle and crown stuff, I've already got my fairy tale ending, complete with BioShock playing, Princess Bride quoting, brownie baking prince. (Love you, Sweetie.)

So I guess I'll just end here by wishing all of you:

I like the short and fluffy ones, myself.

Thanks to today's dream team Debbie B., Anony M., Lisa V., Lisa P., Julia B., Vanessa C., & Stephanie S., who, for the record, never even knew fairies *had* tails.

A Royal Affair

Like all of you, I am simply in a TIZZY waiting to see the royal wedding tomorrow. Or, more accurately, the royal wedding cake.

I mean, think about it: this is the cake that must end all cakes. It has to outshine, outdo, and outhouse every dream of every girl who has ever dreamed of being a princess! [sigh]

Plus, just imagine the unbelievable stress the poor bakers must be under at this very moment. The agony! The suspense! The weighty sense of impending doom, should their one shot at world-wide glory, fame, and adoration fail! BWAHAHAHAAAA!

Er...I mean...

Wishing you the best of luck, guys!

So, what do you think it'll be? Something colorful?

Something modern?

(And...drippy?)

Of course, whatever it is, you know it'll have to be an upstanding specimen...

...with just the right emphasis on the fact that they live in a castle, and you don't:

Hey, maybe it'll be inspired by Kate's wedding dress!

Or maybe it'll just show the couple's deep love and affection for one another:

("Pardon me, your lordship, but would you care for a slice of chocolate thigh?"

"Ruddy good, yes! Tally ho! What what!*")

Well, whatever the outcome tomorrow, I'm sure so long as the bakers don't give the happy couple the cold shoulder, they'll be fine.

O.0

Must. Stop. Staring at. Shoulder hock.

Many thanks to wreckporters Christin S., Gary & Brittany J., Melissa B., Kelli B., Amy E., Anna K., and Lou for today's joint efforts.


*Yes, I know all British people do not sound like this. But the really cool ones do.


Note from john: For some reason, the comment section is acting all wonky today so if you don't have a Google account, you can't leave a comment. With any luck, the Google Overlords will fix the problem soon. Wreck On!

Easter EGGcellence

Ok, bakers, huddle up!

Now, listen: Easter is coming. That means a lot of long hours, hard work, and painstaking effort on your part to ensure we make some of the most beautif...BWAHAHAHA!!

AHAHAHAHAA!!

[wiping eyes] Sorry, sorry! I really thought I'd get through that with a straight face this year. Heehee!

Right: start your airbrushes! I'll see you back here in five.

Bee-YOO-tiful.

Nice aim on those jelly beans, Jim!

And good call on the "Peep Peep." That'll clue 'em in it's not a swan or a banana or something.

Not bad, but I can still see a little icing. Can we get a little more plastic in here?


And speaking of plastic, here's a great recycling tip:

St. Patrick would be proud.


And remember, bakers: the more plastic, the less time, skill, and hassle!

I made this one in 15 seconds.

With my feet.

(Aaaand that'll be $14.99, please. Cha-ching!)


And lastly, I don't actually know what this is...

...but it looks like a really efficient use of time. So let's make a few dozen more.

Thanks to Stephanie J., Angela M., Alexandra M., Shay K., Tony D., Diana Y., & Stephanie R., who think that's supposed to be a bunny rabbit.

[staring in stunned silence]

Well, one thing's for sure: You're not getting a Peep out of me.