When Cakes Need Copy Editors

People often bemoan the fact that we don't have spell check for cakes, but as every writer knows, spell check doesn't catch everything.

After all, this IS spelled correctly:

I once participated in a Rock-A-Thon when I was a teenager: a group of us rocked in rocking chairs for eight hours straight to raise money for charity. Now, if I'd had the option to rock a thong, instead?

Um. Yeah, I would've stuck with the rocking chair.

They wish, baker. They wish.


Calling your boss "sexy" is a risky endeavor at the best of times - but it certainly doesn't help when the baker forgets a letter in "sexiest."

But hey, it's just a tiny mistake. The rest of the spelling is perfect!*

Bakers, take note: there is a difference between "inquire" and "imply." Don't worry, though; mixing the two up would only be a problem when discussing potentially controversial things. You know, like medication or something.

Oops.

And finally, when Steve and Marcus were planning their joint birthday party, they went with a Back to the Future inspired "Enchantment Under the Sea" theme - naturally.

One question, guys: Why wasn't I invited?

They ordered a cake with "Enchantment Under the Sea" written on it - and when the baker misspelled "enchantment" on the order form, Marcus immediately began hoping for a Cake Wreck.

Well, they did get one, but not in the way he expected. See, apparently the baker mistook "the sea" to mean the cake's deco pack, and...well...

You must admit: as wrecks go, this is kinda awesome.

Thanks to Ashli D., Ann Marie P., Erika T., Shea, & Marcus H. for being awl-around grate guise.

*Note: Sarcasm.

Parental Payback

Parents, when it comes to planning your child's birthday party, prepare for a lot of whining, temper tantrums, and willful brattiness.

Plus your kids might be a pain, too.

Well, here's one way to exact a little revenge: your kids' birthday cake.

Can't sleep. Barney will eat me.

Yep, there's something about seeing their favorite lovable character transformed into a homicidal psychopath that could slightly unhinge more impressionable minds.

"To infinity! and killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill."

Hey, whatever doesn't make your children soil themselves in panic-stricken terror only makes them stronger, right?

"Now, don't worry, kids; Elmo's more afraid of you than you are of him!

"Billy, would you like to do the honors? Let's start with a good clean stab through Elmo's eye. Go on.

"Oh, quit crying. Birthday boys *like* eating Muppet eyes! And just look at that face! Elmo wants you to eat him!"


Ok, granted, you'll be the one paying for their therapy sessions later, but in the meantime...

Spongebob No Pants is here to say hello, kids!


Besides, sometimes there are added benefits:

I'm pretty sure your daughter will never ask for a pony again.

Thanks to wreckporters Laurie H., Stephanie L., Kevin H., Fraulein M., & Jennifer S., who think I should totally write parenting books. (Working title: Odds Are, They'll Live.)

Free Throws

A while back one of our readers suggested a fun activity for the next book tour: set up plain frosted cakes, and let contestants hurl various bits of candy, flotsam, and ribbon at said cakes. Whichever looks "best" wins.

Unfortunately, I think some wreckerators out there took this as career advice.

And believe me: there are no winners here.

Wow. I didn't know you could get that kind of distance out of mini marshmallows.


You know what they always say about edible splatter paint!:

Nothing, actually. They're all too busy trying to avoid the pieces with the poo-colored jelly beans.


Here's one that made use of the drop method:

Most of it even landed on the cake!

Of course, when you're lobbing across such great distances, some breakage is to be expected:

Boops.

You can see that a lot of throwing went into this one:

(Psst. Throwing up counts, right?)

Hang on a sec, something's wrong.

This one's making me hungry:

Mmmm.

Curse you, Wreckerators, and your nefarious mind-washing piles of whipped cream and berry goodness!

I mean, what next? Will a professional chef on a national reality show get in on the act??

[holding head] We're too late! AAHHHH!!

(The 'kill it' caption was added by Serious Eats, btw, which has a hilarious episode recap here. I wonder where they might have gotten their inspiration, hmmm? :D)


Thanks to Jill N., Ashlee M., Cassie G., Julie V., Kimberly B., & Elizabeth L., who all get to be first in line come book-tour-throwing time.

Window Pains

So, you're opening a bakery. You've watched too much Cake Boss, opened a few dozen credit card accounts, and "sampled" enough cupcakes to confidently differentiate between "ganache" and "monkey poo."

What next?

The window display, of course!

This is your place to shine, aspiring baker! Show the people what you can really do!

Ah.

I see you're of the "writing on Styrofoam rounds with a Sharpie" skill set.

We can work with that.


After all, the most important thing is getting customers through the door - even if it is only to ask, "Dear God, what IS that THING?!"

It's a pacifier. You know, a cake for suckers?

Now, a good window display should appeal to both kids and kids at heart. Remember, cakes are all about fun! And color! And post-apocalyptic death tableaus!

Just think of all the gas-mask party favors you could make. Ooh, and festive radioactive warning streamers! Glowing fruit punch? Mushroom cloud side-cakes? Really, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, edible barren wastelands aren't for everyone. That's why you should also advertise your more [winkwink] adult flavors. [nudgenudge]

Photo removed at the request of the baker.

Please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot.

And you can tell by the way that plastic half-lady is smelling her armpit that her plastic whole lady counterparts are gonna be hella sexy.

Or, if you're limited on space, you could always kill two birds with one horrendously disturbing Barbie cake:

Hey, how do you think Barbie paid for all those different careers, kids?

Well, bakers, however you choose to design your displays, just be sure they communicate friendliness, poise, and professionalism.

And also a strong grasp on the spelling of "ho bag":

Because, really, nothing is worse than a misspelled "ho bag" on your cookie cake.

Thanks to Amber P., Bianca S., Lauren C., Lauren R., Betsy R., & Dana F., who wonder if perhaps this showed up on C.M.'s performance review.

Go Fourth and Celebrate!

Though we usually just refer to today as the 4th of July, we here in the U.S. are celebrating something far greater than just a date on the calendar:

Our "Indenpdants."

Hm. I guess that's why most bakers stick to "Happy Fourth," huh? Less to mess up that way.

*headdesk*

You know, the fact that someone had to print that flag out, notice the red ink was gone, and yet choose to use it anyway is why I love this country. It just goes to show that through guts, ingenuity, and perseverance of spirit... I will never be out of a job.

Here's one that serves as a reminder of the date, minus any emotional bossing around:

Happy or not, here it comes!!

(And who wants to bet the other side just says, "July"?)


Same idea, even poorer execution:

Well, that's a first.

And when they're not wrecking cakes, some bakers take turns making other "collssal" mistakes:

Given the context, I have to assume that "collssal" = "patriotic skid marks."

And finally, while I'm not sure this Marines cake was made specifically for today, I think it serves as an excellent reminder of what we in this country value above all else:

Sneaking the first piece before the rest of the family comes in.

Thanks to Lauren O., Laura S., Elizabeth K., Michele G., Susan C., & Amy H., who know that sometimes you just have to even out that side a few more bites.

Sunday Sweets: The "Eh" Team

Today we've decided to feature some amazing cakes in honor of Canada Day, which was Friday.

"But, john the hubby of Jen!" you say, "The fourth of July is tomorrow! We need cakes with American flags! And American things! And...you know...America!"

Well, tough. We've picked on Canada enough over the years, and they deserve at least one day of Sweets for putting up with us.

Plus we used up our best American cakes for Memorial Day.

But mostly that first thing.

Er, before we proceed, I think I should mention that Jen & I have logged many, many hours into determining the least offensive, least stereotypical way to write today's post.

Then we gave up and just wrote what we wanted anyway. Sorry. As Craig Ferguson would say, "I look forward to your letters."

Let's start with some sweet Canadian flags:

By Cookievonster

Perfection. And after looking at hundreds of Canadian flag cakes, I can say with complete confidence that the maple leaf is officially the hardest thing in the world to draw accurately.

You might think I'll be posting a moose cake next. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

By Cake Central member krazyb5

Check out that shading! Such great perspective - and almost completely fondant-free.

Plus, from my extensive research I now know that there are almost twice as many black bears in Canada as there are in the U.S. I can also tell you Canada's gross national product and the top five cleanest cities, but Jen tells me that would be "boring as snot," so I guess I won't now.

And...uh...here's a beaver cake:

By The Femme Fondants

Stereotypical? Yes.

Freakin' adorable? ALSO yes.


Now how's about a little Canadian landmarkage?

By Bobbette and Belle

That is the CN Tower. It's 1,815.4 feet - or 553.33 meters - tall and weighs 118,000 tonnes.

So I'm not sure those people are to scale.


These cute crustaceans, either:

By Frosted Happy

Obviously this post wouldn't be complete without a cake representing Canada's national winter sport:

By Cake Central member sugar-2

Hockey! Or as my French-Canadian dad calls it, 'ockey!

That's their Olympic jersey, too. Pretty sweet.


Speaking of sports, are you ready to have your mind blown?

By Eat Cake Be Merry

It turns out that basketball was invented by a Canadian. Which is why *I* only root for the Raptors. When I watch basketball, I mean. (Which is never.)

Oh, and do you see that texture?

The decorator made each tiny little divot with a #2 icing tip. A. Mazing.


Here's something else uniquely Canadian:

By Irresistible Desserts

Tim Hortons!

Okay, so there are also some in Ohio, but that's almost Canada anyway, right?

Besides, we couldn't find any cakes of poutine, tuques, or adorable accents.


Then there's Canada's other beverage of choice:

By Rouvelee's Creations

Beer! (In a tree!)

And get this: those beer bottles and "ice" are molded hard candy. Even the melted bits on the board! I'm amazed. Definitely one of the most convincing bottle cakes I've ever seen.

What's that? You want a little Canadian history? Ok, how's this: did you know that Louis Jolliet (a Canadian) was the first explorer to map the Mississippi river?

By Pink Cake Box

Is it too much to hope the map layer is made of Mississippi mud cake?

And so, in conclusion, I'm sorry I couldn't find a Barenaked Ladies/Nathan Fillion mash-up cake, since I'm told that many of you believe a Barenaked Fillion would make your entire year.

However...

Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

By Whimsy Cakes

If I had a million dollars...I'd buy, like, ten of these cakes.

Happy Belated Canada Day, Canada! Thanks for being the most polite, fun-loving, and best sense-of-humor-having readers we could ask for.


Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Big Bangs

Note: Today's post contains a word that starts with "p" and rhymes with "Venus." Parents, please parent accordingly.

Before you head out to stock up on fireworks this weekend, here's a handy tip from the folks over at Lamebook:

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

(Also: ow.)


What I meant was, when it comes to fireworks, you really want the most bang for your buck:

So always look for the cartoon steam whistle shouting, "Bang!"

You should also familiarize yourself with what fireworks actually look like, so you don't end up with a bunch of...bombs. (See what I did there?)

Even if they are patriotically potent powerful penis-ish ones.

No, trust me, you don't want sprinkles.


I see...slushies.



Oh my gosh! They killed Blinky!


(That's the red ghost from Pac-Man, kids. Now stop making me feel old.)


Important rocket safety tip:

The flamey bits should always come out the back.

Also, don't forget your patriotic donut holes!

At least they remembered the blue balls this time.

Oh, and Canada, lest you think I've forgotten you:

Happy Bloody Band Aid day!

(Once you see it, it's all you'll see.)

Thanks to Jessica G., Dawn S., Gail D., Deanna T., Amber S., Leanne O., Saralyn T., & Jennifer O., who make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" while they shoot across the sky-y-y.

In a firework-y way, I mean.

Not a penis-ishy way.


NEW GOAL: Work the word "penis-ishy" into as many conversation today as possible. Starting...NOW.