Big Bangs

Note: Today's post contains a word that starts with "p" and rhymes with "Venus." Parents, please parent accordingly.

Before you head out to stock up on fireworks this weekend, here's a handy tip from the folks over at Lamebook:

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

(Also: ow.)


What I meant was, when it comes to fireworks, you really want the most bang for your buck:

So always look for the cartoon steam whistle shouting, "Bang!"

You should also familiarize yourself with what fireworks actually look like, so you don't end up with a bunch of...bombs. (See what I did there?)

Even if they are patriotically potent powerful penis-ish ones.

No, trust me, you don't want sprinkles.


I see...slushies.



Oh my gosh! They killed Blinky!


(That's the red ghost from Pac-Man, kids. Now stop making me feel old.)


Important rocket safety tip:

The flamey bits should always come out the back.

Also, don't forget your patriotic donut holes!

At least they remembered the blue balls this time.

Oh, and Canada, lest you think I've forgotten you:

Happy Bloody Band Aid day!

(Once you see it, it's all you'll see.)

Thanks to Jessica G., Dawn S., Gail D., Deanna T., Amber S., Leanne O., Saralyn T., & Jennifer O., who make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" while they shoot across the sky-y-y.

In a firework-y way, I mean.

Not a penis-ishy way.


NEW GOAL: Work the word "penis-ishy" into as many conversation today as possible. Starting...NOW.

My New Favorite Wedding Cake

Roses are red,

Butterflies are blue,

Um...

Pardon me, but are those sperm on your wedding cake?

Poem Option #2:

The cake that keeps giving,
and makes your guests squirm,
'Cause nothing says "marriage,"
like butterflies and sperm!

Poem Option #3:

Roses are red
And cake can be pretty.
How sad for you,
'Cuz yours looks all...
[eyeing children]
...unpleasant.

(Betting this cake will be pulled by baker request in 3...2...)

Thanks to Kristen G., who wishes more things rhymed with "tadpoles." Or is that just me?

Swing and a Miss

NOTE: Today's post may not be appropriate for young children who understand double entendres.

Look, I'm not going to say I'm proud of what I first saw when I looked at this cake, butt...

Ok, I'm a little proud.

Also, dad's ball seems a little low.



Speaking of which, go ahead: tell me this placement wasn't intentional:

And maybe I'm out in left field here, but don't you usually tend to see this kind of thing around third base?


Still, at least that baker has actually seen a baseball bat before. This one seems to have confused it with some kind of joystick:

And in related news, something something "some kind of joystick."

See? These jokes practically write themselves.


Ah. I see the force is strong with this one:

Show off.

Also, is that a Chef's hat, or a pile of poo? 'Cuz I can't make heads or tails of it.


And finally, men, do you experience a burning sensation when you go?

...to bat, I mean? Go to bat?

Thanks to Adria P., Amy U., Stephanie D., A. R., Denise H., and V.D. for that last joke.

Dad's Birthday Presents

Father's Day is this weekend, so today I thought we'd celebrate the most important thing our dads ever gave us:

Balloons.


Yep, nothing livened up our childhoods quite like Dad's special birthday balloons, am I right?

And, sure, they weren't always perfect. Sometimes they were a bit small:


Or a bit big:


Or even shaped a bit wonky:


Sometimes they'd get lost on their way to the party:


Or they weren't durable enough to last once they got there:



Sometimes dad's balloons didn't seem to know if they were coming or going!

But the important thing to remember is that, in the end, dads' balloons always got the job done.

Score three for Dad!

Thanks to Kathleen, Jess, Jamie, Pontmarie, Pat S., Denise C., Kevin C., & Julie C. for the beautiful "balloons."

Tae Kwon "DO'H!"

Approach, students.

You have come to me asking that I be your guide along this tale of Wreckage, but first I should mention that little Kyle here is taking Tae Kwon Do:

I should also probably stop calling him "little" Kyle.


After all, he could be earning his "Black Blet:"

(Presumably by doing step aerobics.)


Or, he might look like this:

(And wouldn't that be a boot to the head?)

Or - OR - he might know 6-year-old Mercedes here:

And, shoot, that's one little pistol I aim to avoid.
(I hear she's got a hair-trigger temper.)

Thanks to Heather H., Heather D., Liz M., and Kelsey E., for today's round of bullet points. Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and meditate upon this wisdom.

And maybe sing a little.

Nyaa nyaa!

Rein in the Clowns

WARNING: Parents, there be funny business ahead!


Bakers, will someone please get a handle on these clown cakes?

"Woo woo woo!"

Wait. Let me rephrase that.

What I mean is, I'm seeing a lot of funny business lately...

Don't tell me this candle placement wasn't intentional.

(But do feel free to share a burning pee joke. That'd be hilarious.)

...and at some point we just have to ask SWEET MERCY WHAT IS THAT CLOWN DOING?!

Keep it up, Chuckles, and someday you'll be juggling one less dancing dog, if you catch my drift. (You know, tripping the blue elephant? Cooling the cream pie? Honking the big shoe?)

Hey, Bozo! Get those hands where I can see 'em!

Look, I'm all for romance, but did the Wizard display teach us nothing?

And I'm not sure these censor dots are the solution, either:

Though I suppose it does beat the alternative. [shudder]

Thanks to Dominique G., Jeny F., Kara P., Ibo, Melanie T., & Robin M., who are, suspiciously, all smiles.

Hoo-Wheee!

Last one, I promise.

Is it just me, or does something seem a little off about this King Cake?

Then again, I guess that is where you'd expect to find a baby.

Thanks to Britney L., who thinks this labor of love is a real crowning achievement.

Twins' Night Out

[singing]

From a distance,
You look liiiike some boobs,

Even though I know you're not.

From a distance,
How could I eeeeaaaeeever choose,
A sleeping jughead tot?

From a distance,
We've all had enough,

And this won't be allowed to stand.
And there is no way - no how
That you cannot seeeee!
Big frosted tracts of land.

Thanks to Gina C., who would like to remind bakers that God is watching us.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

How long will it take you to spot it?

Thanks to Liz T., who says this is why you never order Valentine cookies from a baker who's recently been dumped. (True story.)

Open Mouth, Insert... Shoe?

Thanks to Richard, who knows better than to stick his nose in a lady's business.

Her cake business, I mean.

That is, her shoe cake business.

Um...er... Yeah.


So, how 'bout them camera angles?

Update: We had to host today's photo on Photobucket which means some of you can't see it. Sorry about that. We'll be back to our regular host tomorrow. -john

Redefining the Turkey Breast

Warning!: The title is extremely appropriate.



YOU GUYS.

Check out this great rack!

I hear under wire support really is the best.

While it's tempting to milk these wrecks for all they're worth, I've decided to nip the puns in the bud with a more uplifting approach. After all, I'd rather bust a move than mend a pillow, you know? Or knock the highbeams off a Winnabago than scale the Grand Tetons. Or torpedo a honker than plant a My Little Pony. You feel me?

(Now, aren't you glad I got that off my chest?)

Ta-ta for now!

Thanks to Katie N. who makes two excellent points.

It's About Standards

Warning: Juvenile ding-a-ling humor ahead.

A long time ago, I (this is John, btw) brought a picture of the famous sexual harassment cake to our local bakery, to see if the Nice Older Ladies there would recreate it for a party.

The encounter went something like this:

Me: [handing over picture] "Hi there! I was wondering if you could make a cake like this for me."

Nice Older Lady: [looking at picture] "Uh..." [gasping in horror] [looking at me as though I was a dirty, demon-possessed pervert] "No."

Me: [embarrassed] "Oh, well, the cake is saying that kind of behavior is bad. See, that's what the big 'NO' sign means." [smiling innocently]

Nice Older Lady: [flagging down Nice Older Manager Lady]

Nice Older Manager Lady: [looking at picture] [calling security] [writing down my physical description in a big red book] [smiling thinly] "I'm sorry, sir. We don't put smut on cakes."


So, sure, that was embarrassing, and now I can't shop for croissants without being shadowed by Billy the stock boy, but the good news is that bakeries have a line, and one that will not be crossed. Which is a relief, because otherwise these cakes might have had me worried.

Bazinga.

Fortunately there's nothing suggestive about balls or bases or long wooden...

Oh.

Wait.

It's a basketball court.

Riiiiiight.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we...

Spidey! Stop that!

Didn't your parents ever tell you you'll go blind?

Now this is some crotch rocket:

Looks like it'll be flying under a full moon, too. [bah dum cha!]

Thanks Elisabeth M., Anony M., Laura E., Josef V., & Bethany P. Oh, and hey, could you pick me up some croissants?

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

It's a "Pear Tree."

Being unveiled.

Ok, maybe it IS what you think. Never mind.

Many thanks to Diana M., who tells me that "pear tree" is a bronze sculpture in Canada. Of a pear. So get your minds out of the gutter. There's barely enough room in here for mine.

Fairy Tale Endings

WARNING: Today's post is not family friendly, on account of it being a little TOO "family friendly." IF you knowwuddamean.

Ah, children. So innocent. So sweet.

So blissfully unaware of how much their castle cakes look like a gaggle of man cannons.

I believe this is from the Netherlands. (Eh? Eh?)

Oh, oh! OR, if it were in Troy, then this would be a TROJAN castle.
(Get it? See what I did there? BOOYA.)


I'd say this customer got royally shafted:

[Zing!]

I mean, just look at that top tower: totally cockeyed!

[Pow! Zam! Whap!]


Still, this next castle cake really can't be beat:

[Sha-ZAM!]

Yep, that's some stiff competition, right there. Definitely has the upper hand.

[Rat-a-tat-tat! BzzzING! Ker-PLUEY! Eckie Eckie Eckie Eckie piTANG RoooBoing ezrowsurh]

Lauri, Lisa M., & Sarah H., they say "a man's home is his castle."

Frankly, I can't top that.

Also, 3 geek points if you correctly ID the Eckie Eckie line.

The Men of Marvel

Note: This post is not appropriate for young children. And the older ones will be all, "Ooooohh! I'm gonna tell DADDY!!" so you might lock them out, too.



Spiderman's dirty little secret revealed:

Now that's a Dynamic Duo.

Here's one of the lesser-known heroes, Essenem Man:

He may not be much of a fighter, but he is always on the ball.

GRRAAA!! HULK TENSE!!

HULK TRY RELIEVE TENSION.

The good news: little Ryder had no idea why his mom was in such a hurry to cut the cake.

The bad news: everyone else at the party did.

Liz D., Kristen C., Mark F., & Rebecca J., I would tell you who my favorite superhero is, but I'm afraid it's a three-way tie.

Note: If you're wondering, the second cake is supposed to be Batman. Obviously.