No Accounting For Taste

Hey, did you know that the income tax deadline here in the U.S. has been pushed back 'til Monday?

(I'll pause here to allow those of you whooping for joy to catch your breath.)

Well, if you're like me, this means you might want to get started on your taxes sometime today, or this weekend, or maybe even Monday morning. After all, as a wise man once said, "[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"

So, in our eternal quest to help you readers in the most sincere way possible using funny cakes, here is a complete, comprehensive guide for doing your taxes.

Step 1. Mix 2 ounces ea. of vodka, tequila, rum and gin - with a splash of Coke - and drink immediately.

Repeat until thoroughly snockered.
(Note: if a poo-shaped fountain explodes from drink, you're doing it right)

Step 2. Pull shoebox of receipts from laundry hamper and take wild guess as to how much you spent last year.

(Be sure to deduct the sale price of those "Guccis.")

Now add a zero.

This is your Adjusted Gross Expenditure Allowance Total Income Bracket, Article 1. Write this number down somewhere. Preferably on something that won't run off.

Step 3. Calculate the number of dependents in your household.

This can include children, imaginary friends, other people's children, other people's imaginary friends' children, pets, favorite CDs, and certain plants. Refer to Article J, Paragraph 42, Section 3.14159 on "Ficus Financials," for more information.


Step 4. Write down all information in a legible manner:

If you're not sure about one of your figures, just put it in quotes:

This shows the IRS you're just "guess-timating." They're totally cool with that.

Step 5. Go to the nearest ATM and empty your checking account, savings account, and pockets. This is what you owe.

It's always a good idea to send your payment in cash, and stuck to a cupcake. The IRS enjoys playful pranks like this, and will doubtless credit your account several hundred dollars in exchange for the laugh.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed our comprehensive tax guide. Now, if you need us, we'll just be vacationing somewhere you've never heard of outside U.S. jurisdiction.

A big thanks to Jacob L., Kelli, Anne B., Heather, Emily and Becky L., for their taxing treats.